Roaring Rapids

James and I went white water rafting in our youth, bk (before kids, not burger king) and I remember having that oh crap! feeling. What did we get ourselves into?
So, when James and I knew God was leading us to step out and adopt, one of the first thing's I said to him was "We are not going to ask anyone for help, money wise. God knows our money and if He wants us to do this, He'll give it to us some how." I should have known. We've all been hit up to help the girl scouts, the salvation army bell ringer people, even other families' who have chose to adopt and in that particular situation I always wondered why they were even choosing to adopt if they couldn't afford it. It's ok to say out loud. Why pursue something you can't afford? I have the same reaction, which is why I ABSOLUTELY said we would have to do it on our own.
I have a problem with feeling obligated to someone. If someone does something nice for me, I immediately have an urge to make it even. I'm not alone in this, no one wants to feel like they owe anyone. We are raised to be independent, no matter the cost. As I shared with a friend of mine today, today's letter to our address book concerning this very issue, split me wide open. I am vulnerable. I am placing our needs in the open to be scrutinized, to be talked about out loud, to our circle of influence. I am now in panic mode. I am questioning our decision, not because I am concerned as to the financial outcome, I truly don't want to be judged. I want this to be an opportunity for people to partner with us, especially in prayer. I really mean that. In my 33 years, I have never been as emotionally ripped apart as I have been just in moving to Utah, but as we have entered into this adoption process.
What I have come to realize is this, it's not just about my emotions or my process. There could be something in this journey for you or for you. The greater good is not just my own, it's for the good of all. We are united in that. So, with that, as I again open myself up to more scrutiny in this blog, I have to trust that in a spirit of partnership you will join us on this journey, not for us necessarily, but to see what treasures could be lying in wait for you. Thanks for coming along, it makes the paddling easier!