Tuesday, April 22, 2008


The email we've been waiting for arrived in my inbox yesterday, but like a Jack-in-the-box springing out of its dark hole, depending on your state of mind it could have caused delight or crying. For some reason it caused the latter for me. It wasn't good crying either. It was what did I get myself into crying. Are we really going to move forward on this? Is this really what we're supposed to be doing? Please Lord, cause something to stop this train we're on so I can get off. This is definitely NOT the reaction I thought I was going to have. I thought I would be ecstatic. I thought I would be elated. Neither happened, instead I looked at the children I have and began to cry in thinking how this is going to rock not only my world, but theirs as well. I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I'm scared. With that, we are now in limbo, going to be sending the completed home study to the agency in Michigan, but for some reason I'm hesitant. Like a cheating bridegroom on his wedding day, I want to run. This is my m.o. If it's hard, run. If it gets harder, run faster. Chunky monkeys can only run so fast and even though I know God can run faster than I can, I still want to race. Not the best place to be in, sprinting against the big man. I need to stop. Breathe. Pray. Ask Him to hold me up. My doorbell rang this morning and there stood Disappointment, Doubt, and Discouragement on my doorstep telling me I can't do this. I don't want to live in Utah, let alone bring another child here. I am tired, unhappy, and lonely in the life I'm already in, how could I add more? Yet, how could I not? We have a home, a car, a decent job, health benefits, most of all we have a deep down sense of love. BUT as James left for work this morning and I dropped the kids off to school and opened the door to my empty house, I was shaken with a sense of you'll be doing this alone. This is all on you. I remember those feelings when the girls were little. They were hard for me. It was a lot. I don't want to do this alone. Again, the 3 D's were right there to remind me of all my inadequacies and all the negative feelings I had as a young mom. So, please rejoice with me that progress has been made in our process, but please, please, please pray with me that I will be comforted, that God will give me the peace that doesn't make sense, and that the birth mom He has chosen for us is listening and walking His will to bring her baby to our home. Thanks for tagging along on the journey, I think I'm going to give God the oars for a while, I'm getting tired of paddling.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Not Pushing It

This is something I'm trying REALLY hard not to do. I am practicing going through my days, focusing on the needs of that day, since I am well aware that is all I'm given. I want to feel the joy and excitement of this process. Right now, I'm at a state of ho-hum. I spoke with the social worker today and lo and behold, no background checks awaiting her return. She left a msg for her contact in licensing and I really do hope we know something soon. Last night I went on the National Photolisting of children waiting to be adopted. They were mostly older kids and those with special needs. I just had to see, had to feel connected somehow to the process we're in. The pictures of them, although somewhat torturing, helped to remind me of what it is we're doing. Right now there's a huge disconnect for me. There are no fetal kicks, no ultrasounds, just a wait. I am definitely looking forward to being in a program with an agency, knowing they are partnering with us to help find a birthmom to match with. Until then, joy in the moment, walk the process, and I am doing my best to not push things. I'm walking it, but not alone. And we wait.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Crib Borrowing

I have found women bible study groups to be good for several things over the years. Good munchies, mediocre coffee usually, sometimes great conversation. One thing I would have never imagined to be adding to this list is crib borrowing. My fellow redheaded bs'er (we've done 3 or 4 together, I lost track) has officially packed up her crib and with her hubby dropped it off to our newly emptied baby's room last night. I can't tell you how blessed James and I felt when they came by. I have goose bumps just typing this. Even though I know that she may not have been ready to move on from the crib stages of her little tikes, she was gracious enough to entrust us with one of the biggest symbols of kids dependence, the crib.

In our adoption process we have already seen relationships blossom and bonds form that may not have otherwise. We have also seen it open up opporunities for others to serve and to also expand their hearts and minds as to what adoption, the process and the people involved, looks like. For these things and more I am so grateful! So, thank you crib lender, we appreciate it more than we can say and you have unlimited visiting rights after we get it put together!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Vacationing Social Workers

We are at our 7 and a half week point in waiting for our background checks. They're supposed to take 6. This past Tuesday I called our social worker that completed the home study for us and left her a voicemail to check in to see if we should start having any kind of follow up to make sure they got our paperwork, etc. I get a voicemail back from her stating that she's visiting grandkids for a week and if it's not there when she gets back next week, we may want to start to worry. Start to worry? I'm not sure what level of worry to engage, so the nonchalant one showed up-you know it, the one that says no worries, it'll all work out (even though you keep thinking about it). The worry level of pulling out the interrogator lamp, shoving it in my husbands face, and making him tell me if there's any suspiciousness in his past that is hindering our clearance popped up next. BTW-anyone who knows us would know his "past" consists of me and one not talked about trip to Mexico in college. Then, there's that final stage of worry that involves rosary beads I don't even own, so I grabbed a cheap necklace from Wal-Mart (I apologize ahead of time to any Catholics) and let the fretting and rocking begin. Having the mixture of these three levels this week has got my face broke out, my body rejecting weight loss, and my mind askew. With that said-I'm all for visiting grandkids, but not during my background check crisis. Aaaah, the lessons of timing and not being in control.

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