The Home Study

Well, we made it through. After 2 and a half hours of question, answer, and touring our home, we made it. Thank you to all of you who prayed for us yesterday-I felt eerily peaceful as soon as the social worker walked in the door. With that said, she did her job well. She represents both the birthmoms as well as families and she's amazingly balanced in her viewpoints. It was a good experience for both James and I. The kids did great! They answered all her questions openly and honestly and there were giggles galore when she asked them who they knew that had brown skin. They don't really see color yet, so it was hard for them to answer that one! All in all a positive experience for all and I did nothing but do the work. I had no control over the social worker who came to interview us, no control over what my kids and husband would say. It was like living on the edge, surreal, doing it without doing much of anything. If that's what being held up by God feels like, I want more. I have a feeling I'm getting more. Now we wait. The background checks take a minimum of 6 weeks and the study can't be finished without those. Here's a conundrum though. This program could have a match for us VERY soon. While the program that we have pre-approved funding on has to have the home study before they'll even accept us into their program. So, I'm hoping that it will be made clear whether we wait or move quickly and that it's in HIS timing, not ours.

Praying Friends

So, I had my mini meltdown earlier today, actually a few of them, and then my friend Traci called me. I don't even know why she called, but I do know I needed her to. I let it fly, relinquishing the fears I've been having that seemed to sound so ridiculous when said out loud. At every comment, every ridiculous insecurity (did I mention ridiculous), she listened, helped me to process, and then prayed over me. That prayer, as my kids were yelling at me in the background, grounded me. She helped me to process this piece of our journey.
The email from the Haiti program last night sent me on a roller coaster ride of indecision. James voicing some of his concerns about what this adoption means for our family sent me on a bungee jump off of Mt. Shasta. My praying friend helped me to regroup. Reminded me to categorize concerns versus worry and to move forward in what I know is true. That truth is that I have had a heart for this adoption since I was very young. That truth is that I feel God asking us to do this and James is on board and I have to take his word for it. The truth that satan wants orphans and does not want to see this come to fruition. The truth that choosing an international versus domestic child is inconsequential, that God loves all children and they are all His. The truth that I am not alone and this is all a process that I need to walk, with my husband, and continue to pray that God will bring joy in the process. His joy, not joy based on circumstance, but joy because I am being held up by Him and am walking in His will. As I am doing this, I am wondering if I have ever heard Him like this before. So real, so loud. I know why we are here, in Utah, not the friendliest of places for me, so I am now searching Him, similar to when we didn't know what was happening with Chloe, similar to my false positive for MS, but yet not. I'm more alone here, more having to rely on our God, I'm quieter. Thank you Lord for giving me this chance. I am so grateful for it and so blessed to be able to hear you in new ways and thank you for my praying friends!

Aaarrgghhh!

Today is off. I'm feeling VERY vulnerable and unsure and TONS of doubts keep creeping in my head. I am trying to pray them out and my bible study this week was on anxiety and worrying and it sounded so easy in print, but to live it is really testing me. My day got thrown off when Rory stayed home sick, we went to the dr, she has strep. It seems like someone in our house always has strep this winter! It's tiring and I am looking at the pile of work still left to do before Monday and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to begin. Please hold-Rory's shouting for a pan. Ok, so I'm back. She's on the toilet with a pan on her lap, moaning. I just want to go back to bed and wake up with everyone well, a clean, organized house, and no stinkin' fears or complications, and oh yeah, a million dollars in our bank account would be awesome....then, I think, look at what I do have and that's where the focus needs to be. I burst into tears when I was driving home from the dr, the song Cinderella came on by Steven Curtis Chapman, I think? If anyone has daughters and that song doesn't bring a tear, they're the tin man from Wizard of Oz! So, with that I'm going to go clean up barf and pray that I get some kind of burst of energy to get done what I need to. I think I'm avoiding it on purpose. BTW-we heard back from the original Haiti program today and the orphanage has approved our application. The funds are a huge roadblock with this particular agency over going through the other one that we were able to partner with on funding. So, now I'm confused as to infant versus older child and domestic versus Haiti again. We're playing it by ear and trying to focus on HSM (Home Study Monday).

Praise! Praise! Praise!

So, I'm walking this thing. We're walking this thing. It's really happening and we're moving forward. Our agreement was if we could find a way to affordably do this thing, we would continue. It happened this morning! I found an affordable loan program that pays the agency directly and will tide us over until the tax credit goes into effect. We are saving, saving, saving and I'm taking on a writing job to stash away money for travel expenses. We aren't sure if we're going to be asking for help from family and friends yet, but if you know someone looking like Donald Trump who needs to give away some, we are setting up an account this week with Chase just for the adoption. We got our fingerprint cards done yesterday and the money orders to send in with the background checks.
Also, I found out yesterday that both girls will be able to attend the same Charter school in the fall! Their schooling is such an issue, we are hit with overcrowding, and not well paid teachers, and we're hoping this Charter school will help meet more of both girls educational needs!
God is so good! I am feeling peaceful today as I'm doing the home study work and that is all Him! It feels surreal and exciting, but I am also trying to push down the doubt that comes with good news. One hiccup could set us back and the fact that I have NO CONTROL over any of this really affects me. That's probably the point...trust, trust, trust.

The Paperwork

Ok, so any one of you considering adoption-HOLY COW on the paperwork. We're only in the home study phase and it is SERIOUSLY crazy. They want cashier's checks for our background check and I've never had to get those before, so I'm hoping they bank lady won't laugh at me like the guy at Wal-Mart did when I tried to get it from him! Gotta love Wal-Mart-or not!! We copied birth certificates, our marriage license, filled out the nine hundred and five questions to make sure we aren't psycho and why we want to adopt, and we have to go to the police station to get fingerprint cards. I'm afraid of police stations, I always feel like I'm going to mess up or burst into nervous funeral laughter, so I'm hoping not to wet myself and to act my age when I go there. I told James last night that at least I'm not having the weight gain of a pregnancy and he said no kidding, but we're getting writers cramp and carpel tunnel from the writing!! This is our last week to pull it all together before Monday the 11th, so I'm praying for no hiccups or nervous giggles!

Haiti out

Ok, so Haiti is having MANY doors closed on it as of now. They are saying a 2 year wait period at minimum, the laws are unclear as to the requirements, basically it's a bunch of mush. So, we are now between Ethiopia and domestic. Each time I do more research on pursuing Ethiopia, God seems to be re-directing us towards domestic. Financially, it may be more feasible-key word may, and as of now I am in contact with an African American Infant adoption program in Michigan. We are concerned about birthparents and re-claim rates, but I have a heart for the Michigan area and I don't think it's any coincidence that I've found this program. We have not committed as of yet, and we can't send in our application until after our home study is complete. That will be done on February 11th. Please keep us in your prayers that all goes well with that and that we are not overwhelmed by the process. Thank you!