BACKGROUND CHECKS DONE-FINALLY!

The email we've been waiting for arrived in my inbox yesterday, but like a Jack-in-the-box springing out of its dark hole, depending on your state of mind it could have caused delight or crying. For some reason it caused the latter for me. It wasn't good crying either. It was what did I get myself into crying. Are we really going to move forward on this? Is this really what we're supposed to be doing? Please Lord, cause something to stop this train we're on so I can get off. This is definitely NOT the reaction I thought I was going to have. I thought I would be ecstatic. I thought I would be elated. Neither happened, instead I looked at the children I have and began to cry in thinking how this is going to rock not only my world, but theirs as well. I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I'm scared. With that, we are now in limbo, going to be sending the completed home study to the agency in Michigan, but for some reason I'm hesitant. Like a cheating bridegroom on his wedding day, I want to run. This is my m.o. If it's hard, run. If it gets harder, run faster. Chunky monkeys can only run so fast and even though I know God can run faster than I can, I still want to race. Not the best place to be in, sprinting against the big man. I need to stop. Breathe. Pray. Ask Him to hold me up. My doorbell rang this morning and there stood Disappointment, Doubt, and Discouragement on my doorstep telling me I can't do this. I don't want to live in Utah, let alone bring another child here. I am tired, unhappy, and lonely in the life I'm already in, how could I add more? Yet, how could I not? We have a home, a car, a decent job, health benefits, most of all we have a deep down sense of love. BUT as James left for work this morning and I dropped the kids off to school and opened the door to my empty house, I was shaken with a sense of you'll be doing this alone. This is all on you. I remember those feelings when the girls were little. They were hard for me. It was a lot. I don't want to do this alone. Again, the 3 D's were right there to remind me of all my inadequacies and all the negative feelings I had as a young mom. So, please rejoice with me that progress has been made in our process, but please, please, please pray with me that I will be comforted, that God will give me the peace that doesn't make sense, and that the birth mom He has chosen for us is listening and walking His will to bring her baby to our home. Thanks for tagging along on the journey, I think I'm going to give God the oars for a while, I'm getting tired of paddling.

Not Pushing It

This is something I'm trying REALLY hard not to do. I am practicing going through my days, focusing on the needs of that day, since I am well aware that is all I'm given. I want to feel the joy and excitement of this process. Right now, I'm at a state of ho-hum. I spoke with the social worker today and lo and behold, no background checks awaiting her return. She left a msg for her contact in licensing and I really do hope we know something soon. Last night I went on the National Photolisting of children waiting to be adopted. They were mostly older kids and those with special needs. I just had to see, had to feel connected somehow to the process we're in. The pictures of them, although somewhat torturing, helped to remind me of what it is we're doing. Right now there's a huge disconnect for me. There are no fetal kicks, no ultrasounds, just a wait. I am definitely looking forward to being in a program with an agency, knowing they are partnering with us to help find a birthmom to match with. Until then, joy in the moment, walk the process, and I am doing my best to not push things. I'm walking it, but not alone. And we wait.

Crib Borrowing

I have found women bible study groups to be good for several things over the years. Good munchies, mediocre coffee usually, sometimes great conversation. One thing I would have never imagined to be adding to this list is crib borrowing. My fellow redheaded bs'er (we've done 3 or 4 together, I lost track) has officially packed up her crib and with her hubby dropped it off to our newly emptied baby's room last night. I can't tell you how blessed James and I felt when they came by. I have goose bumps just typing this. Even though I know that she may not have been ready to move on from the crib stages of her little tikes, she was gracious enough to entrust us with one of the biggest symbols of kids dependence, the crib.

In our adoption process we have already seen relationships blossom and bonds form that may not have otherwise. We have also seen it open up opporunities for others to serve and to also expand their hearts and minds as to what adoption, the process and the people involved, looks like. For these things and more I am so grateful! So, thank you crib lender, we appreciate it more than we can say and you have unlimited visiting rights after we get it put together!

Vacationing Social Workers

We are at our 7 and a half week point in waiting for our background checks. They're supposed to take 6. This past Tuesday I called our social worker that completed the home study for us and left her a voicemail to check in to see if we should start having any kind of follow up to make sure they got our paperwork, etc. I get a voicemail back from her stating that she's visiting grandkids for a week and if it's not there when she gets back next week, we may want to start to worry. Start to worry? I'm not sure what level of worry to engage, so the nonchalant one showed up-you know it, the one that says no worries, it'll all work out (even though you keep thinking about it). The worry level of pulling out the interrogator lamp, shoving it in my husbands face, and making him tell me if there's any suspiciousness in his past that is hindering our clearance popped up next. BTW-anyone who knows us would know his "past" consists of me and one not talked about trip to Mexico in college. Then, there's that final stage of worry that involves rosary beads I don't even own, so I grabbed a cheap necklace from Wal-Mart (I apologize ahead of time to any Catholics) and let the fretting and rocking begin. Having the mixture of these three levels this week has got my face broke out, my body rejecting weight loss, and my mind askew. With that said-I'm all for visiting grandkids, but not during my background check crisis. Aaaah, the lessons of timing and not being in control.

Roaring Rapids

James and I went white water rafting in our youth, bk (before kids, not burger king) and I remember having that oh crap! feeling. What did we get ourselves into?
So, when James and I knew God was leading us to step out and adopt, one of the first thing's I said to him was "We are not going to ask anyone for help, money wise. God knows our money and if He wants us to do this, He'll give it to us some how." I should have known. We've all been hit up to help the girl scouts, the salvation army bell ringer people, even other families' who have chose to adopt and in that particular situation I always wondered why they were even choosing to adopt if they couldn't afford it. It's ok to say out loud. Why pursue something you can't afford? I have the same reaction, which is why I ABSOLUTELY said we would have to do it on our own.
I have a problem with feeling obligated to someone. If someone does something nice for me, I immediately have an urge to make it even. I'm not alone in this, no one wants to feel like they owe anyone. We are raised to be independent, no matter the cost. As I shared with a friend of mine today, today's letter to our address book concerning this very issue, split me wide open. I am vulnerable. I am placing our needs in the open to be scrutinized, to be talked about out loud, to our circle of influence. I am now in panic mode. I am questioning our decision, not because I am concerned as to the financial outcome, I truly don't want to be judged. I want this to be an opportunity for people to partner with us, especially in prayer. I really mean that. In my 33 years, I have never been as emotionally ripped apart as I have been just in moving to Utah, but as we have entered into this adoption process.
What I have come to realize is this, it's not just about my emotions or my process. There could be something in this journey for you or for you. The greater good is not just my own, it's for the good of all. We are united in that. So, with that, as I again open myself up to more scrutiny in this blog, I have to trust that in a spirit of partnership you will join us on this journey, not for us necessarily, but to see what treasures could be lying in wait for you. Thanks for coming along, it makes the paddling easier!

Fundraiser

Ok-We've decided to fundraise! Here is the letter we are sending to everyone to let them know:

Hello Family and Friends!

As many of you may or may not know, James and I have decided to grow our family through the adoption of an infant boy.
Top 5 Things You Might be Thinking in this Moment:

5. What are they thinking?
4. Wow-Utah must have a lower cost of living than we expected!
3. Wow-Did they win the lottery?
2. They want another kid? I thought they already had kids?
1. Do they only contact us when they need or want something?

Our response goes a little something like this:

5. Ask the Big Man upstairs (not James, God!), we’re following His guide.
4. We wish-why do you think you’re getting this letter?
3. Same as above
2. We do have 2 beautiful girls; please refer to the Big Man answer.
1. Please pull out past Christmas card letters and pictures to remind you of our affectionsJ

With that said, anyone who has looked into adoption knows it is VERY costly and we want to do this, with your help, as debt-free as possible. The average adoption shockingly costs between $12,000 and $30,000.

Here comes the fun part- we want to ask you for 2 things.
The first is to partner with us in prayer. As it was once said, It Takes a Village to Raise a Child. You are a part of our village, like it or not, and your prayers will mean more to us than you may ever realize.
The second thing is when you need to buy items for your home, a gift for someone (Mother’s Day & Father’s Day maybe?) that you would consider either buying them online at www.shadesofus.org/store and enter SNelson for the code before you check out. OR contact us directly to place a catalog order for one of these items. If you would be willing to pass a catalog around at your job, that would be awesome! Let us know and we’ll get you one! This organization is designed to partner specifically with adoptive parents and many of the items are Fair Trade with more of the proceeds going to developing countries.
We all shop and we hope that you will choose to do it with us! We will keep you posted on any developments at: http://dreamplanter.blogspot.com.
Just so you know, we debated as to whether or not to flat out ask for cold hard cash, but this is a great medium that offers an opportunity for you to partner with us on this adoption journey we’re on. We won’t say no to the cold hard cash option, we’re open! So if you know anyone who’s inherited a ton of money and is looking to spread the wealth, please forward them our infoJ

We’re excited to see what God does with this and thank you as always for being supportive of our family!
*DON’T FORGET TO ENTER SNELSON ON THE CODE BEFORE CHECKING OUT*
Big hugs,


James & Susan
Hm# 801-302-9200
susan@bigheadconsulting.com

An Israelite

So, I'm not great at remembering scripture. Our bible study group has been challenged to meet God in the living room daily for the next two weeks. One day down, 13 more to go. That sounds bad. I actually enjoyed it this morning and I hope to turn it into a regular habit, especially during this time of waiting for us. So, all day, I've had worship music on, I've been nicer to my family, I felt filled up. I was doing good and reaping the rewards of being in the Word and in fellowship with my God. Or so I thought. I knew I should have walked past my computer. I knew I shouldn't have pulled up a web browser. I did it anyway. In two shakes of a lambs tail I had 6 African American infant boys pulled up on my screen that need homes-for $16,000 as soon as we committed. Anyone who knows us or has been reading this blog knows that we don't have it, thought we had half, IRS is taking it, and now what? So, what do I do? I go in and ask my husband how much credit is available on all our high interest (recently paid off, I might add) credit cards. I was no different than the Israelites asking Samuel for a new king and even when he told them to be patient and all the bad things a new king would do to them, they still begged for it and you know what? They got it, bad and all. Beth Moore says in her book David, "Samuel warned the Israelites about what they were getting into. Often when God does not give us what we want, it is because He knows what our desire would cost us. Faith sometimes means forgoing our desires because we trust Christ to have a better plan for our lives". So, as I spent the last hour browsing the web for any fundraiser, grant, or low interest adoption loan program-something in my mind said you're an Israelite. In this moment I'm not being patient, I want one of those 6 babies that are posted, I want, I want, I want. Be careful what you push for. Satan knew how to get to me today, I've been waiting all day, and even survived a surprisingly pleasant trip to Ikea. He got me, right between the eyes, and slyly at that, but now it's out and I'm more aware, and we wait. Please pray that I can continue to not push, but to be willing to walk the wait. His choosing is not mine, I want to walk in faith, I want to know and truly trust, with all my being, that He has the only plan. I'm crying now, it hurts. And we wait. ps-If I survive this, I want every single person to know that it was all Him! I am so weak and not capable-still crying and waiting....