WE HAVE A BABY!!!!

James and I are so happy to announce we have a baby!!! God, in His Divine wisdom, has given us a baby girl. I am typing this from the La Quinta in Pearland, TX where I have to wait until the ICPC clears. James went back home last night, but we are having some paperwork issues, so we may be looking for a way for him to bring our big girls and himself back to me here in Texas. Yes, I know, we were asking for a boy. When the agency called on Monday and asked us if we would be willing to take a baby girl in Texas, all of a sudden the sex of our little gift no longer mattered. I have to say, she's adorable. What's happening now is that we wait for the ICPC to clear and then after that it takes 6 months to have finalization in Utah. We have decided to call her Esther Marley Nelson. I started out wanting to call her Penelope and then all of a sudden James looked at me, as we were driving over to meet her, and said what about Esther? I said isn't that a grandma type name? He said think about it. When I think of Esther, I think of Queen Esther from the bible and how she stood up for her people to her husband, the king. What strikes me is not only how she is described as beautiful, but I get the feeling she was thoughtful and had a quiet confidence. The words quiet confidence is what I felt from this little beauty as soon as I met her....she's an Esther. God has great plans for her and He has entrusted us to nurture and love her. It's funny, last week my sister, in my frustration said we will just pray that God will show you He loves you. I am here to say, I am loved. It's time to warm the next bottle so I have to run. Please pray that the paperwork clears quickly and that there are no hang ups. Also pray for the birth mom that her soul is comforted and she knows deep down that the gift she gave is being loved and cherished. Now we wait to get out of Texas....will write more soon!

Weekend Update

I don't even know how to start explaining this weekend in writing, so I'm just going to start and hope it makes sense. First, I've been working with the local agency that did our home study to see if they have any cases that fit our requests. So far they don't and on top of that I'm struggling getting clear info from them. Also, anyone reading this that may be adopting domestically-note to self-MAKE COPIES OF EVERYTHING YOU GIVE YOUR HOME STUDY AGENCY. This includes the reference letters you get from people. I didn't do that and now I'm at the mercy of the home study agency to pass on our info to other agencies we want to apply to. That' s VERY frustrating especially since they aren't that forthcoming in their communication.
So, I contacted another local agency that offers an African American Infant Adoption program and I totally connected with the "information" person on the phone and the agency happens to be in our home town. During our conversation she asked what we were looking for and she asked me-How set are you on a boy? OK, I know-pretty set, right? I don't know what happened, but I said-Tell me more. So, she proceeded to tell me about a situation they have where the baby is already born, but she's a girl. Again, I don't know what happened, but I asked if we could be shown to her mom. Keep in mind, our home study is in some kind of state of limbo, being held hostage with some unknown timeframe of release, I haven't done our profile with pictures, our birthmom letter had to be changed to meet this agencies requirements, our birth certificates have to be notarized, and I have to fill out their application (which I still haven't done yet). This conversation took place on Friday afternoon at 3pm and their representative was leaving at 6pm and we had re-arranged our whole night to go from a MOPS date night to the Jazz winning playoff game getting home at 1am to try and work on all this. So Saturday morning we put a video slideshow together that we are hoping they can show the birth mom on a computer. Somehow I feel extremely calm about the whole thing. Chances are VERY slim that we could be matched, but at least it's practice in the process. As far as the girl vs boy thing, I don't know, all of a sudden the sex of the baby doesn't matter as much as the fact that a baby needs a home and we can do that. We appreciate your continued prayers and look forward to hopefully hearing something this week. And we wait....

The Saga Continues

When the home study gets completed it then has to go to an approval committee. That was supposed to be approved yesterday, but now they're saying next week. In the meantime a couple things have happened on our end. First, I met someone who had a negative experience with the agency we were considering using. We are grateful for the information and will be taking it into consideration as we finalize where to apply. Secondly, since we are going to pursue partnering with the local agency that completed our home study, we need to do our profile. It sounds like a case on Law & Order SVU. Unfortunately, it includes scrapbooking or something like that. Any of you that know me know that's not a doable thing. I have written the birth mom letter (that in and of itself was ridiculously surreal). How do you tell a mother about yourself in a way to allow her to trust that you are capable to raise her baby? How do we say thank you for allowing us to even be considered to do that? I can't even begin to understand a birth mom's state of mind, the courage it would take to carry a child with the understanding that they will not be with you. I did the best I could and now I have to put pictures to the words and put it on some overpriced, oversized paper with special glue to preserve the memories. Gotta be honest, not looking forward to it and not really sure where to begin.
With that said, the highlight of this week happened today. First, I was able to share a meal this morning with a beautiful woman who helps me put my life into perspective and appreciate the people God's planted me here with. Thank you!! The second thing gives me goosebumps in just typing it. The same friend that lent her crib to me was talking to her neighbor and long story short, she has a brand new infant carrier with base that she could sell for cash, but has agreed to give to us! This is one of the things that is giving me hope that this adoption is actually happening. I have never experienced something that seems so out of reach in one moment and then becomes completely real the next. Talk about surreal! I am so grateful for the way this friend has chose to invest in this process and my gratitude continues as I feel our relationship blossom as well. (Insert tears here). I've done a lot of boo-hooing over the past couple days, some tears selfish, some hot with the sting of frustration, but today they are sweet like a fresh spring raindrop-full of gratitude and emotion as if God sprinkled me as His oar plunged into the water. Thank you for paddling and for the refreshing splash and I pray that I don't grab the oars from you as we wait....

BACKGROUND CHECKS DONE-FINALLY!

The email we've been waiting for arrived in my inbox yesterday, but like a Jack-in-the-box springing out of its dark hole, depending on your state of mind it could have caused delight or crying. For some reason it caused the latter for me. It wasn't good crying either. It was what did I get myself into crying. Are we really going to move forward on this? Is this really what we're supposed to be doing? Please Lord, cause something to stop this train we're on so I can get off. This is definitely NOT the reaction I thought I was going to have. I thought I would be ecstatic. I thought I would be elated. Neither happened, instead I looked at the children I have and began to cry in thinking how this is going to rock not only my world, but theirs as well. I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I'm scared. With that, we are now in limbo, going to be sending the completed home study to the agency in Michigan, but for some reason I'm hesitant. Like a cheating bridegroom on his wedding day, I want to run. This is my m.o. If it's hard, run. If it gets harder, run faster. Chunky monkeys can only run so fast and even though I know God can run faster than I can, I still want to race. Not the best place to be in, sprinting against the big man. I need to stop. Breathe. Pray. Ask Him to hold me up. My doorbell rang this morning and there stood Disappointment, Doubt, and Discouragement on my doorstep telling me I can't do this. I don't want to live in Utah, let alone bring another child here. I am tired, unhappy, and lonely in the life I'm already in, how could I add more? Yet, how could I not? We have a home, a car, a decent job, health benefits, most of all we have a deep down sense of love. BUT as James left for work this morning and I dropped the kids off to school and opened the door to my empty house, I was shaken with a sense of you'll be doing this alone. This is all on you. I remember those feelings when the girls were little. They were hard for me. It was a lot. I don't want to do this alone. Again, the 3 D's were right there to remind me of all my inadequacies and all the negative feelings I had as a young mom. So, please rejoice with me that progress has been made in our process, but please, please, please pray with me that I will be comforted, that God will give me the peace that doesn't make sense, and that the birth mom He has chosen for us is listening and walking His will to bring her baby to our home. Thanks for tagging along on the journey, I think I'm going to give God the oars for a while, I'm getting tired of paddling.

Not Pushing It

This is something I'm trying REALLY hard not to do. I am practicing going through my days, focusing on the needs of that day, since I am well aware that is all I'm given. I want to feel the joy and excitement of this process. Right now, I'm at a state of ho-hum. I spoke with the social worker today and lo and behold, no background checks awaiting her return. She left a msg for her contact in licensing and I really do hope we know something soon. Last night I went on the National Photolisting of children waiting to be adopted. They were mostly older kids and those with special needs. I just had to see, had to feel connected somehow to the process we're in. The pictures of them, although somewhat torturing, helped to remind me of what it is we're doing. Right now there's a huge disconnect for me. There are no fetal kicks, no ultrasounds, just a wait. I am definitely looking forward to being in a program with an agency, knowing they are partnering with us to help find a birthmom to match with. Until then, joy in the moment, walk the process, and I am doing my best to not push things. I'm walking it, but not alone. And we wait.

Crib Borrowing

I have found women bible study groups to be good for several things over the years. Good munchies, mediocre coffee usually, sometimes great conversation. One thing I would have never imagined to be adding to this list is crib borrowing. My fellow redheaded bs'er (we've done 3 or 4 together, I lost track) has officially packed up her crib and with her hubby dropped it off to our newly emptied baby's room last night. I can't tell you how blessed James and I felt when they came by. I have goose bumps just typing this. Even though I know that she may not have been ready to move on from the crib stages of her little tikes, she was gracious enough to entrust us with one of the biggest symbols of kids dependence, the crib.

In our adoption process we have already seen relationships blossom and bonds form that may not have otherwise. We have also seen it open up opporunities for others to serve and to also expand their hearts and minds as to what adoption, the process and the people involved, looks like. For these things and more I am so grateful! So, thank you crib lender, we appreciate it more than we can say and you have unlimited visiting rights after we get it put together!

Vacationing Social Workers

We are at our 7 and a half week point in waiting for our background checks. They're supposed to take 6. This past Tuesday I called our social worker that completed the home study for us and left her a voicemail to check in to see if we should start having any kind of follow up to make sure they got our paperwork, etc. I get a voicemail back from her stating that she's visiting grandkids for a week and if it's not there when she gets back next week, we may want to start to worry. Start to worry? I'm not sure what level of worry to engage, so the nonchalant one showed up-you know it, the one that says no worries, it'll all work out (even though you keep thinking about it). The worry level of pulling out the interrogator lamp, shoving it in my husbands face, and making him tell me if there's any suspiciousness in his past that is hindering our clearance popped up next. BTW-anyone who knows us would know his "past" consists of me and one not talked about trip to Mexico in college. Then, there's that final stage of worry that involves rosary beads I don't even own, so I grabbed a cheap necklace from Wal-Mart (I apologize ahead of time to any Catholics) and let the fretting and rocking begin. Having the mixture of these three levels this week has got my face broke out, my body rejecting weight loss, and my mind askew. With that said-I'm all for visiting grandkids, but not during my background check crisis. Aaaah, the lessons of timing and not being in control.