FINALIZATION!!!

IT really, finally happened. In fact, tomorrow it will be 2 weeks to the day that Judge Kate Toomey pronounced us a family. THANK GOD!!!!

It has taken me this long to even process the day, the proceedings, the flat tire when we got back to the parking lot, the well wishers who stopped by for cold Chinese food that evening, the gifts, the love, the friends, the Little Black Dress outfit E looked so cute in, the photographer, the women in my life who drove in the nasty weather and paid the parking fee to witness the proceedings...and shared tears of joy with me, Cassie pulling her boys out of school early and getting them dressed in "court attire", the text msg from my sister, the voicemail from Annie, the matching outfits that Chloe & Rory wore, the big zit on my chin, the joke the attorney told in the elevator...twice, the way the judge looked at us, the comment Rory made as we left the courtroom (we really get to keep her mom?), the way my heart felt when I thought of her birth mom that day (and right now), the compound under construction, the social worker making her firm recommendation that E should be ours, the way the big girls looked sitting in the judge's chair for pictures (you girls have choices, options...take the world by storm!), the approving laughter by the judge when she walked into the courtroom and saw E on James' lap, the way James looked at me as I started to cry at the sheer surrealness of it all, the look on the attorney's face as I handed him a thank you note with E's pix in it to thank him for his part in our journey, snuggling on my couch with good friends at the end of the crazy day, and most of all the overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Grateful we made it through 6 months of what if's. Grateful that everyone that was meant to be there was and those that couldn't were here in spirit. Grateful for my husband. Grateful for my girls. Grateful that God picked me...picked us....to have little E as part of our family....

I am going to upload all 91 pix on kodak gallery if interested, but want to say thanks for following along with me on this crazy road of adoption. Until the next dream....big hugs-S

The Yellow Brick Road

As we journey to finalization, I have had several thoughts and feelings that have been so random, so scary random, so not from God that I have felt how Dorothy must have felt as she traveled the yellow brick road. I have several things going on....my dream was planted and is coming to fruition...now what? I know we raise E, loving her, giving her a life that I hope when she looks back is filled with giggles and tickles. That's what we all want, isnt it? Giggles and tickles, tickles and giggles. The anticipation of the tickle brings on the giggle which brings on the tickle....but then what. I don't know if or what, but I am being affected by something more and thanking God for the many blessings in our adoption process but am grateful that I am not feeling like this is the end. I don't want him to ever be done with me, my growth. I want to set the world on fire...thanks Britt Nicole, but one of my fears is I am going to lose that passion on November 10th, when the judge says do you take her forever and ever as your baby girl, we say I do, the gavel sounds and I wake up covered in sweat with an overwhelming feeling of abandonment. Wow-this post just got real. Abandoned...abandoned expectations, abandoned children, orphans, why does my heart and throat overfill when I type that word....orphans....abandoned. Whatever it does or doesn't mean, I know my truth. My truth is that everything that we see God's hand in is now referred to as an Esther thing. Read that again Esther. You are a God thing. Your mom and dad listened and obeyed and we received all good things in return, YOU. You were wanted by your birth mom enough to have her say I want you to have more than I can give. You are wanted by our great big Papa God enough that he prepared our hearts for a life with you. AND you are especially wanted, cried over, prayed for by your mom, dad, and sisters. You will officially take our last name soon, but name alone can not compare to the heart strings that were tied when you were 3 weeks and 3 days old and placed into our arms at the Marriott on a hot, steamy day in Texas. I cried harder in that moment, in front of complete strangers because you fit in my arms....really fit...in a way that only God's amazing love could mold. You will also have your yellow brick road and because we know that He has held you in His arms when others couldn't, that you will not be in pursuit of the man behind the curtain, but instead He will draw you to Him and His truth. Abandoned no more, we come and sit in His presence. Adoption....the original gift that keeps giving.

SIX MONTHS OLD!!!

Well, we are 6 months old today and with each month there seems to be a new milestone....this is sitting up....and falling down:( It's a soft carpeted landing with a thick pad so don't fret. She even sat in a high chair yesterday. Where does the time go? I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means? With every new thing she can do she needs us less. Yes, I know she's only 6 months, but we have the advantage of knowing what they look like at almost 9 and that perspective makes us definitely appreciate these milestones a little more. Happy 6 months E!

SAVE THE DATE

When? Monday, November 10th 3:30pm
Where? SL County Courthouse
What? Esther Marley "officially" becomes a Nelson

More details to follow....most likely in an evite.

Does anyone else notice that we're scheduled at 3:30? 3rd girl...met at 3 weeks, 3 days....finalized at 3:30......James and I are 33....will it ever end?

Save the date:)

2nd Post Placement Visit

Stomach flu....dizzy spells....broken vacuum belts. Preparing for the 2nd and final post placement visit.....priceless.

I know I was worried. I am not sure why now, but I was. The bare floor, the cracked tiles maybe? How does that reflect my love for our brown eyed girl any more or less. All the wonderfully gracious social worker saw was a house with lots of love and a happy baby. Thank you Jesus and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! I can not say enough how awed I am at the big and little blessings I see in our E process. I shouldn't have worried....I know. So, long story short, it went great! We made a follow up call to the attorney to see how things look on their end and they said we should be getting a court date within the next couple weeks. A court date?!! Yes, a court date. Isn't God good? All the time (Lincoln Brewster fans)-:)!!

Monkey Jammies

If you are a mom I think you can relate to this. Every baby we've had, there's been one outfit or piece of clothing that looked so good on them, embraced their spirit, brought the wow factor to their eyes. For Chloe, it was the forest green Old Navy flannel pants, perfect for a December baby, worn every time they were clean to show off her bright blue eyes and cute little toes. For Rory it was this purple outfit, I can't remember where it was from (she is the 2nd child-poor girl), but it made her white fuzzy head and huge blue eyes pop like twinkling stars. Since they were pre-blog babies, I now have the opportunity to post what the outfit is for E. It's these silly little pink and brown monkey jammies from Gymboree. They have a matching blanket and they make me giggle when she's in them and she's giggling. As she was squirming out of them during a PJP just now, I thought wow, she's almost outgrown these things and I had to take a picture. So, here they are, kiddo number 3 and the outfit that captures her silly squeal-the monkey jammies!

5 Months Old!

So, we passed our 5 month mark and thankfully they have no shots scheduled for this milestone, so we are tear free on that (all of us:))! We are having our 2nd and final post placement visit next week though. If you think of us, it's Wednesday the 24th at 12:30pm mst, we'd appreciate prayer that it all goes well. I'm just going to list out what I'm thinking right now, some concerns...it may be jagged, but it's authentic. Great title for another blog, Jagged, but Authentic...Authentically Jagged....Jagged Authentically.....Jaggedly Authentic......I totally digress.

So, here's the deal, if you are following Something Unexpected, you know we've bought a repo that needs work and I am VERY concerned we won't have it ready before our post placement visit. All the girls rooms are done, we did Esther's in a cute pink with one brown wall-it turned out great! BUT the flooded area(s) may not have the new flooring on them. I need to let that go and am trying to do so!

Another thing weighing heavily on my heart is Esther's birth mom was in the Houston area and as we've been watching the news, Ike did a dandy down there, so again, if you think of that, please pray for her and her safety/well being.

FINALIZATION......I can see it as a speck on a dirty window. It's coming...we hope. My hopes, my fears, my insecurities, are all being displayed like a fireworks show, and I am trying to hold true to what I know is true and not let satan destroy my spirit in the journey. I don't even want to type the fears that go along with this, but please pray that His will, not mine, not anyone else's, is carried out in the most joyous experience of love in the adoption of E.

Finally, the older girls. They have adjusted so easily, but they have been spectators of the fireworks show and oohed and aahed, but also been jarred a little by the boom. We have been hearing complaints that they feel left out with the move and the demands that a new baby brings. It's great to show them how much work a baby is and how it takes a FAMILY to raise an infant and they need to wait for that to have their own, so we are trying to take these moments and make them teachable ones that they will remember for a lifetime. It's also great to see them concerned for E's birthmom, her safety in the hurricane, and how to love someone we've never met and the act of love, charity, and God's amazing love and grace being displayed in this process. Please keep their little spirits in prayer that they feel loved beyond measure and a spirit of partnership is formed in the caring of baby E.

This is a picture of Esther during our BFFF (see Something Unexpected) and Chloe wanted to be sure her birth mom was a part of the foundation of this new home, this is what she wrote.

Thank you for continuing to be a part of our journey, your continued prayers, love, and support mean more than a blog post could ever say.

Here I Am

Prune Juice Poops

I know nothing good that began with this title. PJP's are running rampant in our house and getting the balance between not enough and too much is harder than anticipated. Our little E screamed for a solid 45 minutes after a failed trip to Target (I apologize to whomever had to take care of my cart that I hastily left in the middle of the aisle) last night that I almost called the dr on. Thankfully my husband, a renowned gas expert, took one look at her, asked me if she pooped today (the answer was no) and he diagnosed her instantly with gas painaramo (official term). We have been giving her the pj in her morning bottle and the pediatrician said to play with how many times a day, etc. So, apparently once isn't enough. BUT last week while my mom was here (I had backup, so I felt brave) I did the 2 pj bottles and the results reeked of messy...literally. Blowouts each time...up the back, to the shoulder blades blowouts. The second time James got it right through the clothes and car seat cover (btw, whoever invented that thing needs to be more sensitive to the process of the getting it on/off for cleaning....it's a beast). Both times were throw the clothes away blowouts, you get the drift. So, as I heard E push and grunt and then cry as I awaited my $12 coffee in the Starbucks drive thru this morning, I just knew we were having some kind of explosion. I finally get her home (thanks to the end of construction season, there was a backup...didn't they know we were having a car seat explosion? Moms should get dispersed sirens for these types of things!), undid the velcro and bam! What I thought was going to be an up the backer, turned out to be a rock. THE biggest rock a LUVS diaper can hold. If I could not take 5 hours to upload pictures, I would have posted it. Thankfully, I am sparing you. So, needless to say, we are out of whack on the pooper and she's a fussy trooper. PJP's.....another gift that keeps on giving.

Zeus-the Guardian

Anyone that has been in our home over the last 6 years knows about our humongous white haired lab-Zeus. Well, Zeus now has a miniature not potty trained counterpart maltipom named Gumball and Queen Esther is enthralled by both of them. This morning as she was waking up on James' lap in the living room, Zeus began to scratch his ear ferociously and Esther watched, then he walked around the living room, Esther watched...until he laid down and she got bored. I then took Esther to feed her and as we finished up her bottle, I saw Zeus get up and start to sniff. First in the living room, then he went to Esther's room....that worried me as yesterday I saw he enjoys a nibble on the Baby Einstein teether parrott (who doesn't really?) and I called him to come out of her room. He did, but he was still pacing, sniffing, looking for something. I chalked it up to a senior doggy moment until I just turned to look and realized what he was looking for. Esther's routine is eat, burp, and then playmat time. This morning the playmat was in my bedroom and usually it is in the middle of the living room floor. I went to get it, got Esther settled on it, and I see Zeus, wagging his tail with delight, coming towards us as I hit the music button. He slurped me on the face and then frump, he found his place right next to it, guarding Esther as she enjoys her time on the mat! What a dog, again finding his place with the newest addition. Zeus-the guardian:)

4 months old

No pix again, but just a note that we survived the 4 month shot sequence. Gosh, I hate it!!! This time though I told the nurse that I had to turn my back. I did. She understood. I didn't cry, but Rory did. My sweet, sweet babies. Both of them were crying. Rory was crying so hard that she distracted Esther enough to make her stop! It was a heart swelling moment to see my almost 7 year old baby cry to see her new sister hurt. She was truly the one I was concerned about most in finding her new place as a middle child. She has stepped up and then some and it's genuine. So, with that said, we all survived, she's sleeping peacefully and I hope to do the same! I'll try to get some pictures on soon-her hair is getting big!!!

Milky Raspberries

I don't have a pix. I'm not gonna lie, I suck at the camera thing....don't judge me. But I have to document (for my own posterity) that Esther Marley has officially become the Raspberry Milk queen. Don't panic, I'm not feeding the 3 month old raspberries. She figured out how to stick her tongue out and make the spitting/raspberry sound and ever since that it has been going non-stop. She gets especially wound up when she takes a break from sucking her bottle and as she's belching like the dad on Family Guy she throws one out to say "SUCKA" (insert Mr. T's voice here) "I gotcha!" She blows, literally, all the belch remnants in the cutest, messiest, smelliest milky raspberry I've ever experienced. Raspberry milkshake anyone? YUUUMMMYYY!! Only a mother would wipe off her face and smile as she does it again. And I know that's a true statement since she has blessed all in our household with the same experience and I truly was the only one to be smiling afterward.

I'm hoping Mother's Day is spectacular!

3 Months Old!

If you have ever read any of my posts on 3's, today is a special something as Esther turns 3 months old! When we met her in muggy Houston, she was 3 weeks and 3 days old. When I turned on this blog, it said I had 33 posts up until this one...it just goes on and on. So, in celebration of yet another milestone for Baby Esther, I got a laborious lesson on the ole Kodak and am sharing her home grown photo shoot. We entitled the shoot the "watchutalkin about Willis"/Jermaine Dupree, Pretty in pink, I love my hand, Look at all this hair set! We celebrated this special day with 4 bottles and an upgrade to 3 month Avent holes. We also bought teether rings and I can NOT believe we have teething rings in our freezer once again!

Esther's First BBQ

Two of the women who really came beside me while we prayed for our adoption through the swirls and curly q's of Texas, and then bringing her home have been Cassie and Traci. Cassie and her husband, Todd, opened their home last Sunday afternoon to have all of our families over for some great food and fellowship! Thank you McWhorter's we had a great time and that was officially Esther's first bbq! Note the cute bathing suit:)

1st Post Placement Visit

Yesterday at 7:50am, as we're bustling around to get ready, our ding dong rings for our first post-placement visit for Esther. I open the door to find this very warm, welcoming social worker who was hesitant to walk in, but after finding her place in an Ikea chair in the living room, next to the newly doused with dog hair (again) rug (I was appalled over the hair), she got to meet my pajama clad older girls and talk with our family about what the last 6 weeks have been like for us all. She was there to confirm that all was well in our little abode and thankfully, she had her form, asked the questions, and even though Chloe farted inappropriately about 5 times during the interview, I think all went well. She commented that she had never had a family so organized in giving her the info she needed, that was all Dr. Pete's doing in his fantastic growth/appointment form from her 2 month well check. So, we have one more to do in September/October and then finalization. I just got goosebumps typing that-finalization. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers in this....I'm still trying to figure out the new camera to post pix:)

First Word

Ok, this is ridiculous and we have never experienced this with our other 2 girls, but three of us were in the room as Esther was playing on her mat with the animals on it. James and I heard Rory talking to her, saying "Say lion Esther, say zebra Esther, etc." I kid you not, by the 3rd time Rory said "Say zebra Esther", we heard this zeeeebra out of our little monkey. We all looked at each other, shocked, thinking we had misheard. So, Rory, in all her 6 and a half year old wisdom, decided not to leave it to interpretation and continued with, "Say zebra Esther" and out squeaks this little zeeeebra!!!! Oh my goodness! Rory squealed, James and I looked at each other and my mind went instantly to this after school special I saw in junior high where this African American girl living in the ghetto was a genius and she had to fight her way out of poverty to get into college and I then blurted out, we have a ghetto genius!! I know it's dumb, but holy cow, she said Zebra for goodness sakes!!! I know I should be disappointed since it wasn't mama or dada, but to be honest I'm impressed to the point of awe that our little 2 month old is this tuned in, especially to her ever caring, always bouncing, blondie big sister! Little things....first words.....big blessings in small packages....

Two Months Old

Esther Marley is 2 months old today. She's 22 inches and over 10 pounds, a petite version of a former identity. To celebrate this special day, we visited the pediatrician for the required pokings (please see Something Unexpected for more info). Two months is big for us. We're pot committed (poker term) and we have gone "all in" (another poker term) and then some. She is now smiling and cooing. She does this little cry when she's not done being goo-gooed over and wants you to look back at her. She is adored by her two older sisters and has everyone she meets in awe over her curly hair and gorgeous skin tone. Her eyes bear into my soul and I can see hers in their reflection. She has an old southern womanness about her, deep, touching, knowing. It's intense and our journey as of yet makes me wonder how I got picked to enjoy something so wonderful.
Another blessing arrived today in the form of a super duty umbrella stroller. We are now covered for all stages of her stroller needs and both people who provided the strollers have no idea how they truly blessed our family-THANK YOU!
Esther's currently in a post-immunization tylenol sleep and I'm letting her sleep through a scheduled feeding in the name of restoring her poor little needle invaded body! Normally though she's clockwork on the feedings, taking a full 4 ounces, sometimes more if needed. She is also sleeping through the night. A statement I don't want to write lightly for fear I will jinx it, but Babywise seems to have once again come through for our newest little one.
We will be scheduling post-placement visits with the agency and I will be gathering more pictures and another letter for the birth mom as well. Adoption is like living in heaven and on earth at the same time. So much is surreal and blessings are so very real while at the same time the reality of the paperwork, social workers, birth mom, etc weigh on my heart and mind. I pray for her birth mom whenever I think of her or tell our story.
May her heart and mind be at peace tonight as she says goodnight to our baby girl. I have to say goodnight as well for the reality of painful shots has just awoken and Queen Esther is telling her dad all about it and I don't want to miss it:)
Night night all....

Manifestation of God's Love

This phrase blurted out of my mouth yesterday in reference to Esther's arrival. It seems like this adoption process has been one little God gift after the other with Esther being at the middle. Each time I think we are done experiencing the blessings He has for us, something else happens. Today, for instance, I received a beautiful email from a friend who just happens to have a slightly used girl patterned stroller that she has offered to give us. James and I had just talked about our needs for her, in starting from scratch, and we are already so grateful for the crib, the infant car seat, the borrowed bjorn, the meals, the gifts of clothes, bibs, socks, etc and now this stroller. It seems a little too good to be true, to feel the provisions of Gods love in the flesh. I remember in college, scraping by just to buy Ramen and lemon cookies from Food 4 Less and the gratitude to be able to pay our rent and eat, but it seemed stressful. That is not the case in the current provisions, it's oddly peaceful and freeing. The way that the people around us have looked in their hearts to not only come alongside us in our excitement, but actually offer things we have needs for is beyond my comprehension.
Beyond the physical things that we need being provided for, what I've really enjoyed the most is hearing those around me open up by sharing their desires for adoption. What a wonderful connection to experience with someone in having this type of passion in common!
The manifestation of God's love....we all see it in different things when we listen to the nudging of our hearts. Mine, for today, comes in the form of a beautiful baby girl that we've been given the privilege of having and holding and I truly hope that all who meet us have their passions, whatever they might be, ignited or re-ignited so they can experience this beautiful thing called love.

One Week Later

So we've been home for a week now and it's been a little crazy. As I'm typing this I'm watching my mom rock Esther in the chair across from me and she just said to me, I've never held a baby who sang herself to sleep. Esther makes this cooing sound as if she has a lullaby tape going on in her little head that she is humming. Self-soothing, resilient, adorable baby Esther. It makes me wonder what her short time with her birth mom was like for her or maybe this is how she was born. Either way it's very different from the ever demanding, much like my personality older girls and to be honest, it's a welcomed reprieve that is making it especially wonderful to bond to this new life and therefore causing me to be more emotional, a weird feeling like post-partumy with gratitude overwhelming me every time I look at her. This journey is like one I've never known and I'm beginning to feel empowered in my knowing I am walking it...and not walking it numb. I'm feeling every bit of it, not running from any of it, not hiding, not bitter by the lack of sleep or by having to "eat in shifts" as James calls it. My life is again not my own (not that it really ever has been for the last 8 years), but somehow I thought I had reclaimed myself recently and what I'm now realizing is that I was tending to not embrace the fun that each of the older girls ages offered. That is not the case now. I am not wishing us onto a more independent stage, thinking things like I can't wait until she can walk, potty train, drive, etc. For that I am grateful at the fortitude in being present, for today, for this moment. Is that maturity? Am I too tired to think beyond the next feeding? OR is it that the newness hasn't worn off yet? Whatever it is, I don't care. I want time to freeze and imprint the picture of Rory & Chloe's 4 big blue eyes staring at me as I stare into the eyes our little brown eyed girl. It's amazing, it's questions like when will she crawl mom? Can she have a tortilla chip? Why doesn't Esther have to eat salad? I LOVE IT! It makes me laugh to have our girls embrace this new life in their own ways. Are they adjusting? Somewhat, some moments more than others. Expectations of what their role in our growing family is come out in comments like, I used to be the baby, then Rory came, and now Esther. I get it. It's a lot. It's also about looking beyond our own selfish desires (at whatever age) and stretching to make accomodations for something new. What I know is that each one of us, even with the stretching and growth we are forced to do in this experience, that somehow it has brought an energy of excitement and hope to our home. Beyond that of birthing a new baby, this is a more unique sense of God's got this one, entirely. Get on your knees Susan, eyes on Me, focus, I got this one. Focus.....on priorities, on new life, on lives already here. Adoption, the gift that keeps on giving, beyond all expectations.

A couple pix off cell phone....

This was our last time in Texas before going home. Is that a smile?

Esther & Big Sister Chloe & Rachel Trostrud-thanks for my new swing Rachel!!